author's notes 4.06.2006 Yahoo! Mail Beta (capwalker666)

Yahoo! Mail Beta (capwalker666)

this is a separate link to my alternate site for creative review and feedback. mostly photos

patient's notes 4.06.2006 16:45

it feels like an electrical current is running through a copper rod driven down my back with a jackhammer still hammering it in. every decision is sweated through, literally. that is when i have to make a choice, especially when i don't know for certain the best of two options, my heart races and i sweat.

but i don't act out anymore.

in fact i try to follow steinbeck and detour rather than decide. of course a detour is really a decision, just not so hard. more like rounding a corner. the difference between slipstreaming and streamlining. where steinbeck achieves brilliance by evoking the slight image, i try to maintain dignity by what i don't say.

that's what makes it hard to worry about things like the inaction clause in my father's will. it's never specified what that means. the attorney won't talk to me until next month after the bills are past due, so i can't get the authority to have the authority.

so i have to approach the whole with a sense of humor and patience. i guess. what are the real options ?

every event has a trigger or crux event. like the memory to remember what we don't want to forget. it's also called bootstrapping. who was it that said 'give me a lever and a fulcrum and i can move the world' ?

the letters 'x' and 'y' are two excellent examples of how primal focus points are to humanity, even our optics are reliant on focal points. they are just levers of light. slipstreaming and streamlining are two ways of offloading resistance. by applying a beam to the correct fulcrum you can lever two points apart. usually the beam is inserted within the slipstream between the two points, so any movement away will meet resistance. be prepared to adjust fulcrum or force or abandon the effort all together.

journaler's notes 4.06.2006 16:31

he's been there and back again. shopping. he has cigarettes, steibeck's 'travels with charlie', his meds, lunch for he and his mother, and a cd with pictures. they eat together and then go through the cd. a cousin comes by quickly to get a key for his dad's property. he asks his mother why the cousin could have a key and he couldn't; she responds that he should know it was to be his and gives him a key.

i can tell the meds are controlling him now. his pulse is anywhere between 58 to 120 beats per minute. when he faces a hard decision, he sweats and becomes confused. he postures as if he is headed into a strong wind.

the only real change visible is the control being asserted by the meds ... no outward 'acting out.' is this the goal of the meds ? if that was the case, it only brought out a period of readjustment documented here and his trembling. his caregivers will have to decide if that was a fair trade off. his real world deadlines april 24th for his mother's bills, may 15th for medicare enrollment, among others, are challenges he is unable to meet alone.

as an experiment i'm letting him write his experiences directly into a journal to be posted here.

journaler's notes 4.06.2006 09:53

maybe the patient was beginning to think forward when he left. his mother had spent all of her cash and needed to pay for everyday items. until then he hadn't thought of her atm card. of course she would have to go to an atm and use her pin, but at least it was forward rather than reverse thinking.

my concern is this ... the patient presents himself as calm, rational and composed except for his obsessive and compulsive, acting out tendencies. these only show when he is being slipstreamed into societal norms and only then under thorough observation. someone has to detail his thought processes to see why he is acting out.

the message he's getting is that he should leave people alone until he's unable to leave them alone whereupon they will care for him in a way that will make him leave them alone.

what he is fighting against is that slipstream which is slowly removing his personality which is just enough to be shared and interesting to be worthwhile not to be left alone.