journaler's notes 4.03.2006 00:53

as predicted the patient is beginning to cycle tighter, closing in on himself. it becomes easy to visualize the energy being converted to shield him from further intrusion, as if he's moving inside so fast that nothing can enter in between cycles but what he chooses. his analogy of a weeble is more aptly that of a gyroscope - apply pressure on its outer casing and it will force itself upright and back on course.

of course once a gyroscope is started it has to spin down on its own.

dark and brown

this used to be open to the little white flowers covering the lawn in back ... 

living quarters

midly opulent, rose definitely shows the cannova traits in decorating. it's hard to know who influenced whom. using available materials the style uses scroll work, mirrors and curves to suggest space.


 

journaler's notes 4.02.2006 21:18

resolution unearths facts leading to a decision. timing is the choice, judgement or control of when something is to be done.

the patient was just like an emotional pinball machine. going downstairs to fix himself dinner, he took more cookies to his mother in a gesture of conciliation. he found her huddled on the bed covered in a blanket. her voice was low and plaintive. he became convinced this time someone would have to listen.

he talked to her while his brain raced. "who can i call ?" he'd already called everyone at least once before and only one had ever called back. only a few had ever emailed. only a few ever called to check up on him.

as he "weebles" through this event his body responds raising his heartbeat, increasing his blood pressure and pumping chemicals into his bloodstream.

hopefully his medications will stabilize the "weebleness" cycling into a rhythm that will be subsumed into his natural rhythms. then he can start being rather than thinking. or at least once he after he corrects his cognative dyslexia he can allow himself to proceed to act without conscious correction.

journal notes 4.02.2006 18:15

the patient is trying desperately trying to break through the preserverating impulses. the medications have his heartbeat between 90 - 100 per second and pressure of 110/70. he says it feels like rapid cycling between two poles making it relate back to his weeble analogy.

what's striking is that he asks forgiveness, saying that he hopes he hasn't been any trouble. certainly he isn't a threat to me physically. maybe a threat to my objectivity. trouble ? well look up trouble in the oed and it lists disorder, difficulty, worry, inconvience, blame, anxiety. but that's not a threat which would cause danger or harm. trouble is a challenge to do something difficult, but it's an enabling task.

so anyone who sees the patient as a "trouble" rather than a "challenge" but is willing to be a caregiver when he can no longer care for himself is simply performing routine business. which is the way everything is being handled these days. slipstreaming, conforming, routine, average.

the creative process of the species is an attempt of rising to a challenge, to foster growth. are we currently accepting as true the goal of zero growth as a means of stabilizing our ecosystems ?

the particular case, this patient is just one instance of a limited resource. from him proceed the transfer real assests by choice or necessity. necessity is either law or physiology such as inheiritance and medication respectively.

obviously he will have to be stabilized on income sufficient to pay for minimal needs and medications for the rest of his life. the question is whether a cost benefit ratio is established before or after the patient is unable to take care of himself. the key element of that question is the degree of inconvenience the patient would cause a caregiver.

if he does in fact inherit what has been promised to him, the potential is enormous. however, nothing is written down and nothing has been finalized since his father's death. technically this leaves a huge loophole for him to assume authority. but that would place him in ** extreme danger, will robinson ** of acting out. this a more dangerous path than the suicidal ideations they have had me watch for which anti-depressants have been purported to cause.

author's note 4.2.2006

working title will be "cognative dissonance"

revelation 4.2.2006 10:43

the patient is getting ready to share his photo essay when he realizes that he's stuck in reverse. the pictures he's taken are from the tailgate of a pickup going out of the property. he's going to have to post them in reverse order. he describes physiology manifesting as areas of unknown activity to the rear of his cranium and shoulders. his caregivers will have to interpret these symptoms.

he also reports his feeling of "sneaking up on" situations from behind rather than confronting them head on. he becomes deeply troubled about these as his nature is honest but his problem solving is so convoluted that he's seen either shifty or as a crackpot.

upon awakening 4.02.2006

the patient, with a tear in his left eye, reports that he is losing the impulse to resist.