notes 4.12.2006 15:00

i feel like a four cylinder four valve four stroke cafe racer speeding down the interstate...

been to the dr and saw again that i did the right thing for the wrong reason. it may be that my earlier request for a tryptophan load test would have shown a higher level absorbed than normal. that would explain why the stomach is so sensitive, the nerves needing to correctly channel serotonin rather than allow it to freely float to a destination and the feeling of pressure of expanding.

i'm to add some over the counter vitamins and minerals supplementing my diet ... coenzyme q10, alphalipoic acid (antioxident) and fish oil. i'm also to reduce my tryptophan intake.

unfortunately that causes a fiscal imbalance ... the money for health insurance will run out when the insurance itself runs out - 12/31. medicare part d will be a new expense of over $300 not including health coverage. the new supplements aren't covered by the insurance and will run upwards of $50 per month, a week's worth of groceries, a month of rent.

my next visit was supposed to be in two to three weeks, but the only available time was 40 days away. i only got 2 weeks supply of zyprexa, so ...

as i've lived i have faced challenges that have never reached closure. just like an onion grows a skin, an oyster swirls a pearl, but not the terrible crystal of a diamond. no wonder there's so much pressure. these notes are the need to keep that shell open for others to see inside long enough to get the precious contents to safety. i just need to know that someone recognizes this!

on a positive note i'll be referred to a neurologist. the three nerves causing the migraines will be further investigated and hopefully something can be done.

Googlist: Writely Invite Giveaway - Google's products and practices

Googlist: Writely Invite Giveaway - Google's products and practices

notes 4.12.2006 21:23

i react therefore i am
i am therefore i think
i think therefore i act out
i act out therefore i should be watched

notes 4.12.2006 17:14

fr.

if we go to confession to get forgiveness for our wrongs, how can we approach christ for relief for when we can never do anything right ?

journaler's note 4.12.2006 19:02 unknown post

discarded note, time/date unknown

i haven't ever gone to family funerals. it's either a refusal to grieve or a belief that they really aren't gone and that mourning is selfish. i don't want any mourners for me. not that i would have any.
i didn't remember the time at country club, but i know the time at app when i didn't talk to nannette for a while and then she took an overdoes of tylenol. that was a bad reaction to both of you on my part.

our divorce started when cat had me taking jobs outside winston-salem. i was living in my cousin's bus, trekking a few hours each week to his sisters each week. i made enough to keep myself up but that was all. and he fussed at me for not keeping the shower clean. i had to hook up a hose to the bus each night to keep the toilet and shower running. i'd go into the office to use the computer, phone and tv.

i got real disconnected from cat and she just got more aggravated with me until i got afraid of losing what i had. so i closed a bank account to keep the funds and it escalated. i came home to rural hall and stayed until she literally moved me out. that was stupid of me. my first lawyer bowed out. cat came to me with a separation agreement that we never had mediated to resolve the last differences. my last lawyer thought she wasn't represented, but her lawyer filed for divorce a year later without notifying me and got the decree. i've been trying to track down the paperwork now.

as for a tug of war, amy's custody and visitation is set out in the separation agreement but implementation wasn't ever mediated. it's still an issue. i have secondary physical custody with every other weekend and 30 days in the summer. but amy can't be forced into the arrangement. the recursion here is that if she chooses to continue future scheduled activities she's by definition not free to choose visitations. so sponsoring scheduled activitites is fostering an attitude against visiting with me. i don't even get regular updates on her games and schoolwork unless i call.

i'm glad to hear that you and your wife are working together with your children, even with space limitations. i can use that as an example for my own case. unfortunately the schlepping is out until i get my license back and hebrew school sounds great too. i wish there was an italian school. amy was baptized greek orthodox like me, but i doubt she's been back to see fr d. or her godmother vi.

mother had a cat for awhile when dad was around, but when he was sick her family said she had to get rid of it so she did. funny but i don't remember all the people getting in mom's face as it were. i know i was here, but no one came to me about these things and now they've left me with it all and expect me to wrap it all up.

mom had a friend bring a cat and litter over again. she tried to care for it on her own, but she opened the door enough that it got gone. just scampered out leaving the litterbox full

i'm realizing that as i try and recount all of this it's like looking down a tunnel. i can see the other side, but not the walls, just a distance in between. and it's hard to feel myself there. does that make sense ? it gets even weirder when mom tells me things like where i was living in hollywood right across the street was meyer lansky. know him ?

oh. cat and i used to have a cat called kivette cause of carole's cat. same meow. i think he got to be over 20 before he died.

isn't painting great ? anyway to get a copy ? i'll draw something for you or send a picture in return ...
you realize that when you say painting need not be representational it doesn't quite fit. i think either a picture represents something or it's just to be pretty. remember creely's 'the medium is the message" ? but i get what you're saying, a picture without a camera need not depict exact visual images. i do that with an harmonica. i also lack precise control over it. is yours due to motor control ?

now, what was the name of that college ? i was real proud you got into it.

i've got a home/office about 14' x 14' with couch/bed, tv, desk, coffee table, hutch, etc.. so i have to tuck evrything away. i share downstairs with mom, but it has a shower to use with kitchen, laundry, dining room, etc..

for meds (it's posted) zyprexa - anti psychotic, zoloft - ssri, topamax - anti migraine, lipitor, nexium, relpax (as needed)

no explanation so far. i think my other surface issues take their attention time. 30 minutes every 4 - 6 weeks isn't really enough for my psych. supplement with every two weeks for one hour for a therapist dealing with my mother and there's just not enough time to handle the real deep issues except on my blog.

i'd like to believe that it's an atypical reaction that will either go away or that the medicines will be changed. if they change the meds i'm going to insist that i be placed under observation! seems like we both suffer from sleep deprivation. nood good at all. mom's getting worse, she's going to bed after 03:00. i'm getting in around 01:00 or 02:00 and getting up at 08:00.

i'll probably switch to answering in the am since i want to get more sleep. that's about the only change i want to make right now. just having a real live person that checks to see that i'm not hallucinating and wake up the next morning is a great start!

i've got the links for bi-polar right in the blog. besides ms, what links would be yours ?

re "acting out", imagine walking backwards looking in a mirror to see where you're going. it's a bit disorienting, but that's around what it feels.i call it cognative dyslexia.

i was just leaning back in my office chair to think how to put this. the blood was pulsing to my extremities and the chair was slowly dipping up and down. really strange.

it doesn't seem to be a matter of definition but rather leverage. the two points are implementation of logical congruence and apprehension of concepts. the fulcrum is perception. adjust the balance between the two. my balance between the two is off. whew, that makes sense but doesn't actually you have to remember what i say repeatedly what i say in the blog : i'm 100% honest but i do/say the wrong things for the right reasons. act rather than explain. in other words i can comprehend and respond but cannot elucidate. i've proven that with hearing tests throughout my life.

the "acting out" is simply a clinical way of testing a hypothesis in the real world. the common way of proving that hindsight is 20/20 ergo the mirror analogy.

notes 4.12.2006 17:12

over the top or there's an echo in here

dad died three years ago last night. someone's turned the reverb up, way too many things are synchronous. it's scary to be back to being myself ...

i'm going to change the meds slowly to know which one is doing what. zyprexa to 5mg first, topamax to 150mg next, citrate of magnesia last.

i've talked to dss on mom, until she's not able, keep being her reminder. i've talked to dss on me: part d will cost enough that i will probably have to get rid of car and insurance plus whatever else i can scrape up. which means no dr visits. so i can't afford to get healthy enough to get a job to be healthy enough to get a job ...

is there an echo in here ?

if there isn't one now there soon will be. the power went off and the post died so i have to dredge it up from memory and my memoryis low so i'm buying more. both ram and meds. co-enzyme q10, alphalipoic acid and fish oil. look for these on the web or gnc.

i'll ramble the rest off the basket (rather than out of the box) in another post...