journaler's notes 4.01.2006 16:05

the patient has returned his key to the white's mill area and disclaimed further involvement with decisions about the area. though rev james' will does specify that through inaction the two sons are to act, his mother's legal counsel is not available until next month and her other son is simply unavailable. this leaves the patient is the deeply neutral situation as before, unable to act, especially unable to thrive.

author's note 4.1.2006

author's note: i'm approaching this work from a re-take of my father's theory of steinbeck's 'the pearl'. an idea that the writer is an oyster being irritated mulling over a foreign substance to create a singularly simple, beautiful object.

forward to patient's caregivers

two later events are worthy of note to patient's caregivers.

first is that the patient strives to be correct in his dealings to others. he does not seek a "moral rightness" and will attempt to empathize. however he has stressors who do seek moral justifications and cannot empathize with others, depersonalizing others situations and needs, they seek to put themselves first. this is counter productive for the patient who needs nurturing and observation.

second during the beginnings of an argument with his mother, the patient was blinded for two seconds by an intense white light. no after effects and no explanations.

breakthrough day

some significant beakthroughs today. one event the patient related was a problem he related trying to name how he felt about his situation. in trying to use an analogy he started off he attempted saying ping-pong table, then ping table or pool table until he started humming "pinball wizard".

patient notes 4.01.2006 10:12

external reality checks

the patient has encountered what to him is an insurmountable obstacle. an old dilemma faced by everyone is the question of either asking and getting permission or doing and getting forgiveness; the glass is half full or half empty. he finds that neither solution is the answer.

he wants to look at his situation and not look away, not jump forward, but play it then. unfortunately that creates tremendous tension in him to the point he immediately relies on external help. i can't supply that for help, it will have to be found elsewhere.

reiteration and preserveration

early sapients would flense bones looking for more meat. they would return to known places to gather or kill food. that was reiterative behaviour. at a point where the cost benefit ratio was exceeded it became preserveration.

the patient has a problem with the concepts of "resolution" and "decision". he sees resolution as a wide angle view of an event and decision as the capture as the capture of the event. he uses the metaphor of a camera taking a picture. he can be seen adjusting zoom, aperature and shutter speed constantly. qualitatively his pictures are very good, but lacking peer feedback.

patient notes 4.01.2006 08:20

george carlin recorded a skit about styrofoam. he said it was a blight on nature, something nature could never have created. then he remarks how nature could have created humans who in turn created styrofoam. then nature would get what it wanted. once nature got what it wanted it would wipe out humanity and leave the styrofoam.

the patient's treatment is very much like that cycle. applyication of seratonin controlling medication has caused a temporary "reawakening" in the patient. that has allowed me to report the experience here. as control resumes the "awakening" will fade as will the events to report.