ammy

there's actually writing there "ammy '43" 

notes 4.10.2006 15:01

silent lucidity

in the world of here now, between creativity and reason, between observer and patient, between resolution and decision, between tremors and fear is focus.

he's posting with my help as this is too confusing on his own and his fingers tremble. his responses are measured and he presents as calm, collected and rational. however he is too precise, too objective and has little connection to past events.

if the caregivers need a standard to measure the new med regimen against it would be not only his tremors but also the distinction of individual versus character.

he feels that he is physically acting out his inner script. he feels that he has lost a lot under this treatment but can offer no alternative. he points out that it seems contradictory to be leaving him, diagnosed bipolar, as sole caretaker, for an 83 year old.

there will be some downtime of the computer today of unknown duration while we take it apart to see what memory upgrade would be available.

touching

these are the critical junctures of process, always asking for permission 

patient's notes 4.10.2006 09:51

excellent example:

sometime around my bankruptcy i renewed my firewall protection on both computers and switched to a new search engine with toolbar. performance started degrading a bit. with my med changes, i had other things on my mind, or other minds on my change.

as time went on, i started experiencing slow downs, so i called the firewall tech support. even escalated the issue through paid support only to get no resolution. back to the hardware manufacturer, to the os vendor and finally to the modem and isp.

now the isp was the absolutely most patient, excellent solution provider i could ask for. was it mere coincidence that they were located within miles of where i was born ? how much does familiarity breed assurance ?

it seems that having two computers to focus on, but one gateway and one internet modem (here's the lever and one fulcrum), i had to strike a balance. that's when the bridge between the modem and gateway was created, but i had to go further. the opposing force was the search engine and services provider who only let one user account active at a time using a direct ip address connect.

when the provider connected to one computer it had to disconnect the other, throwing the dns table into chaos. there was no use trying to keep the benefits of mutually available services on both machines simultaneously if it would corrupt the system (which the firewall was a victim of and had to be removed), so the search engine provider had to be demoted off one machine and plays an ancillary role on the other.

see, this is a complex problem, only figured by acting out, encouraged along the way by partial success but not totally resolved until now. the question is why did it take so long to comprehend and implement ?

another point is that it's extremely important to know how much i have changed yet remain the same. i can recall my past, but it is not something that i inhabit.

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Your Courtship Clock -- Decoded-MSN Lifestyle - Relationships

Your Courtship Clock -- Decoded-MSN Lifestyle - Relationships