Fixing a broken system

 I have a pet peeve I want to erase and little resources to do it with. Unless I get some help online.

We all have a common enemy: APATHY. Too many people refuse to commit beyond what's squozen from them. How many times have you needed a little more from the system to fix aa problem and NOTHING you can say will produce that spark ? That creates a depandency on the court system, then vilify the lawyers.

I've come from 8 years homelessness, most caused by a lawyer conning me from my inheritance. Proving how people will say anything and then back out on it.

These days though I'm in a program for a healthy housing program. But I wake late every morning after a late night trying to fall asleep. I wake unable to breathe. I reported back, toxic mold that has been here since moving in over 2 years ago. The people running the program have most of the state because a Federal DOJ program and the prior non-profit was fired from administered three counties. 

The report to apartment management resulted in a notice to vacate in November. The non-profit won't get protection in writing and I could be put on the street any day since they won't fashion a new lease. In fact, they'll put nothing in writing. 

I'm looking for honest decent partners to help me with alternatives.

06.10.2010 14:00

Surgery went well. The first day the pain was bearable. Now it is inflamed and sore.

06.09.2010. 20:38

Test post from ipad

My day today

07/09/2009 21:43

Time for a little vanity and just journal what all has happened today.

At 8:20 there was no one besides me awake. I go through ritual every morning recently: take my nicotine lozenge while deciding if i should smoke a cigarette as well, Then get off the bed and start feeling the bones fall back into the chronic pain condition. I clump down the stairs and turn on the dining room light, go to my seat and grab the glass, go back to the refrigerator, grab the tea and pour it, get a spoon for the yogurt, and the yogurt itself. Then sit down and go through about 14 different pills while praying that no one wakes up and interrupts. Refill the container and try to straighten up my back.

By then no one was awake still, so I decided to go to the YMCA. I do that every weekday. From there I barely had time to squeeze in a breakfast at Waffle House. Then off to the Mental health center.

We have a free form art class there. We're using watercolors on wood instead of the recommended acrylics. After the frame is painted we can draw with colored pens and paper. Darlene is the teacher. It's at a very basic level, just something to take your mind off of your troubles, Personally I would rather have had Bingo.

Then it's time for stress reduction class. We're supposed to write down what is bothering us, why and how to fix it. Personally I find this hard to do, especially the last part. If I knew how to fix it wouldn't I be doing it ? Then we go into guided imagery which helps lower my pain level a notch for just while I'm in it. Darlene is still the teacher. Another student and I both dislike her style.

At lunch, most cashiers know what I want and call me "Mister James." I still shake when I hold things, but it's still under control. It's hard to get through a crowd leaning on a cane. So I always debate having that second drink. Plus with my bladder problems, I always try to be somewhere I have a bathroom.

I head home and grab the mail. Mom gets her check from "down home" and has promptly lost it. I go back and ask her if she's ready to talk over what the realtor sent back. She's hard of hearing and has problems reading. So not only do I have to read the letter, I have to stop constantly with her questions about the content and pronunciation. It goes on for an hour until I progress the logic chart to say that if she doesn't sell the property, then the bills will have to be paid somehow.

She's saying that she wants to go back home, that this place has become a hotel with rude guests. I agree. But she's diverted and I try to bring it back to topic and the fifth time she's said the same thing, I give up and leave. I refuse to be contradicted with someone constantly "popping off" claiming always to be right. I can't remember where I went.

But when I got back, the sitter for my mother and a guest had pre-empted my tv set and movie player to play something I could have barfed over. I just start studying and don't say a word. I even went up to go to sleep. I left again.

When I come back, Mom has bullied the sitter into changing from the movie I had ordered and wanted so much to finally watch. I went upstairs and decided to have all my equipment removed and stored until such time as I can get another apartment.

From now on, I will only come downstairs to cook and eat. I'll study and what all else upstairs. What's left downstairs except mom's cold companionship, or both sitter's inquiries or changes to my life?

For once I thought I had some real input to decisions. or once thought the stress started to be manageable. Don't count your chick's before they're hatched.

So I wade through another two despicable hours, waiting to go to bed and dreading the inevitable conflict. Why do I even bother to wake up tomorrow?

07.06.2009 21:45

Let's talk about security for a minute. I found a great big whole in one notorious posting sites, as big as MySpace. You can read the whole user's files. Great, hunh ? Nope. Think about how you would tell someone that security has been compromised except including the fact that you saw the contents ?

My thought is that you ever write anything down, it's public. Even doing it to your own journal and then locking it up, who's to say there was no surveillance, no photos ?

Try another experiment. If someone has ever cornered you before and said that you were talking behind their back, then don't for a week and see if they accuse you again.

Why does there get to be all this secrecy ? By now you can tell a lot of my own dirty secrets. And if you ask about something in particular that won't hurt someone else, I'd probably tell you.

But that's the rub, "not hurting someone else". You'll have to pardon me because I'm just now getting to realize the full impact of "otherness", but there's different spaces for everyone. And people in their own space will share, sometimes they'll share things that will hurt themselves if spoken to too many people.

Why ?

I dunno, but I do it too!

1.30.09 Staying home all day

Seems that rebuilding an Itunes library is a chore! Even with special software don't ever try to rebuild the library by adding from a folder. Duplicates have to be deleted by hand and it can still pick up files that aren't there, especially if you used removable storage!

And staying in one place has messed up my back bad!

Oh, don't worry about pictures. They'll be back soon.

1.27.09 tech issues

Sorry for not posting sooner. Too many things going wrong. For instance how do you get dvi to hdmi or vga to hdmi. Or either to composite or component ? Or where do you go to legitimate sites to get TV episodes and movies ? Family Video down the street is on;y $1 per night per selection. Except watching many Netflix movies per month, I can't find a better buy;

Christmas 1.20.09 22:09

The day was full of christmas presents I bought myself so I'm going to take the rest of the day and play with my macbook and blackberry!

Random 1.18.09

Why am I putting these thoughts online and not an article for a magazine, a diary or the ABTA ? I dunno.

With $1200 and taking back $150, I'm looking at lu ray players, external drives for my new MacBook while my XPS keeps blue screening. Though I do have a systemboard ordered for the XPS, I'll have to pay to have it put in and cross my fingers to make sure that was the issue. So I wonder if I shouldn't have just gotten a new desktop instead.

All I want is a notebook to take to class, use Itunes on (I have 60g of music I don't want to lose from the dead XPS), type up my writings, and use adobe photoshop (elements) on. Not much. But I keep getting quoted quad processors while the one laptop I have running is SO SLOW!

I did order a new battery for the portable. $50! for two more hours of runtime without the adapter.

What does this all mean ? That while trying to ask the Lord for blessings in order to eat, I'm looking for exciting hardware and try to fix dead or dying items. Real prioritizing. Why?

Why can't I give up my last four cigs per day, or the nicotene lozenges that cost a fortune.

Why can't I see the cost for doctors for my back so I can get rid of this cane and stand without feeling my back is about to break ? Why do I feel like I have to distract myself?

Maybe because in fantasy land the realities of an ex, a daughter, bad health, lack of cash and other things go away.

Getting it back together 1.18.09

That it's a tall dark stormy day has nothing at all to do with this post.

I can't find my friend Mark, and my back is so bad, I can't sit with my friend Don for hours like I used to.

Money is tight. But I guess that's all over the country right now. But I'm unable to go back to work, so I'm going to start writing and get my lawyer's license finally. I'll sell my car if I have to.

The biggest challenge is my computers and my nerves (physically).

Mom's got dementia and I have to look after her for hours at a time.

And I'm bitching too much so I'll go now

scales of justice and mercy

it's been a new weird rough day trying to reintegrate all the self help schemes, the 'nos', 'yeses' and in betweens. especially the in betweens. how do you ever argue with preferential treatment even when misguided ?

today I saw a video on st andrew's divine liturgy about how caine's best choice was to reconcile with his brother before giving sacrifice. now just how do you do that when youor real brother can't be found and your other family is already in a state of warfare with you ?

you can't get anywhere without asking or them offerring, but to take on those scales of balance is staggering...

only bold conclusions

there's only one of us left, guess who. one from cancer, two from abandonment. now the one behind the camera is left to depend on one in front.

due diligence and careful planning.

it's been a log week of regrets. but not one that can't be lived through.

my etiology requires deep thought, not rash judgement. and it requires that i listen and process a lot of advice. the cyst in the pituitary gland causes a fluctuation the basic process and use of b12 and other essential brain chemicals which drive the entire thought process. jumping to a conclusion or having insufficient recall is a factor of life. but it does come back. luckily i was always trained to remain calm and collected first and only react when pushed to an interolerable limit, and then with only enough to meet the opposing force, not to exceed. then back off.

think and troll deep, just like a submariner. i have survivial gear to maintain for months.

i'm dealing now with bare necessities planned over 2 years in advance.

it ain't outta beta yet 12:24 1.21.2007

no matter how many times i chnage over to the new version and sign in with my new account and then synchronize, i end up with a 'sign in'. sheesh'. plus broken links! go direct to the sites and they're there fine.

yes the grammer is on purpose. i was born in te far south, hollywood fla! we stayed completely out of the war. then my father moved us back here to statesville. so i moved from the italians direct from ellis island to scotch from the mayflower.

seems mom moved from pennsylvania due to chronic health issues to where the climate would protect her. but then i just found out that the house right across from ours housed mayer lansky of all people! and my father had the same illness as i determined in 1963 [btw: i need to get the confirming papers back from my doctor].

but mother decided it was best to move back here with my father endangering both her health and mine, to be with his family. i don't begrudge him, but i feel she should realize her responsibility. oh, i would also be nice to be able to communicate this to my brother and my daughter face to face.

yesterday i went out to see my burial site, just to make sure nothing else has happened to it. seems my second cousin had taken the gate off the hinge, just torn it down on her own initiative. all of a sudden, my uncle calls up and accuses me of confronting his grandchild and that i bettter never, ever do it again. on two different phones. i have a witness to prove otherwise. all i asked was what happened and informed her that my father wasn't around to give permission anymore. see i'm concerned with her safety and my liability because i DO own land out there.

then the local clerk of court, with only _original_ jurisdiction_ won't let the case go after making a summary decision without reading the citations i prepared in a brief for her. [i like the new spell checker here, but a grammar and thesarus for all posts at once would sure help. how else can you edit over a year's posting?]

the whole probate matter has ben referred to the mayor who in his position as an attorney [for $75] recommended this strategy. of course he also had a conflict of interest in that there were annexation plans for my property going on at the same time as he had my case. i'm still waiting to discuss with him about the possibility of a councellman [sp?] prebuying land before initiating a restoration project for the same area.

the same one who tried [unsuccessfully tried to buy enough of our in town property to cut us off and make it worthless].

of course there have been some great people as well, though i don't know if i should name them unless you ask. but they have such big hearts, they are dad's pearls of great price to which i hold dearly. for them, nothing is too much. ever.

now, i shouldn't even start on local phone companies, or cells for that matter, should you ?

and insurance companies! oh boy. now mine's ended, except medicare. and they can't send out an eob on time to save their life, which will bollox up a secondary beyond all recognition. then if you don't get your doctor to write correct 90 day scripts, you'll end up like me -- without!

then these try for so many weeks free magazine scams. how DO you get out from under them ? about them time you remember to cancel, the original instructions are lost. and they finally send something useful. like time's article on the brain.

but forget self help about the brain. face it. how to you help yourself when the very organ that's defective is the one being used to dig out from under.

personally, when my meds get low i'm headed for a good hospital and getting off everything i can. going back to where i was before this all started. a that will be one royal pain. maybe medicaid will be in place by then.

no i'm not worthless. but my validation comes from God and the Orthodox Church, not man. who else is fit to judge? what God made me is His gift to me, what i do with it is my gift to Him.

Oh yeah, banks. I still have disputes with vendors outstanding from summer. No explanation as to why they were closed. But it was over $1000. Now that's ashame to someone who doesn't have enough for meds.

ever heard 'behind blue eyes' by the who ? know you know why i write in lower case.

may you have peace and forget this '666' as a momement of stress.

signpost 1.21.2007

folks, i'm sorry it's taken a while, but they insist that it will take an editor before this blog is presented to the public. i've also been given the goal of contacting the local nami rep who's never answered the phone before. add to that my friend who's been dying of cancer, my mother, a court case where the clerk refuses to participate in discovery, no money for medication, well... there's a mess. so i plan on going back to the hospital to go off as many meds as possible, back to where i started.

but i will contact the local nami rep AND rebut the court case by trying to post my evidence here online even though my scanner here is broken.

again just bear with me.

thank you.

back to back 1.15.2007

i'm back after a long hiatus, yet in stasis, looking for an oasis, now bound by contract, but i'm back. full of vitriol!

today is just one more in a succession of long sad days. but, hey, that's okay, no one listens anyway! there's only been two comments unmoderated in months much less one verbal feedback and a chewing out because i dress in black [it so happens that orthodox seminarians and steve jobs do also] and speak to few people who outwardly do not profess friendship or think that the '666' in the email is a cult [i was stupid and frustrated enough that when 333 was taken i chose it. i say that the devil is after me. sort of a word play. like other things in life, one moment of utterance under stress condemns you for life. at least to those who choose to be bigots].

of the few who have listened, most want to give their way. and what good is that ? if you need a pre-packackaged solution, you could just buy it over the internet via amazon or ebay.

of the few left, they are precious, and i will endure anything to keep them. dad's pearls of great price. only they truly know what enlightened self interest is.

i have specifically asked for no mourners at my grave since Jessus said 'let the dead bury the dead'. and i mean it as well as practiced it.

soon as i can get the scanner [ocr] running, i'll post the whole kit and kaboodle onto the parent website. consider this a placemarker.

may God give you peace.

what's in a choice 1.08.207

to where i live. is it a choice ?


 

jlog 12.24/2006

karoke night at tucker's 

jlog 6.04.2006 09:37

"not to be insulting, but ...

you're poor, you have no job, no house, working with neurological problem, renting a room from your mother, divorced and estranged from your kid, look like you'd be easily intimidated, don't drive ..."

but I have dreams

jlog 6.04.2006 09:11

ombudsman, lassie, or sheepdog for the church

sorry to be gone so long, but i've had to take time to unclutter the attic as it were. a good three mile walk yesterday helped. that and making two three page checklists...

see, as a species we have those create rules and those who apply them, and those who are unique to the rules. i use the church as an example because i've studied it the longest and deepest.

you have a patriarch of a "tribe" who sits in council, then the metropolitan who deal with cultural sub-entities, a bishop who deals with localities of the subentities, some ethnic entities predominate within a geographic region. Then there are the priests for each parish who try to deal with a homogenous ethnic class.

in the parish are deacon(ess), cantors, ushers, sunday school teachers, board chairmen, etc.

unique parishioners with special dispensation are the monks and nuns, who in turn setup their own 'mini' parish.

so while within each parish are sub functions, and the priest who delegated the sub functionaries their is truly no one besides the priest who knows the full working of the rules. and just like any good shepard, he need a good sheepdog. someone who can get all the cliques working together.

There is always a fulcrum and balance point to any equation. i think the church has been without its long enough.

jlog 5.29.2006 17:13

How does love ever get to be so blind ? 

notes 5.27.2006 23:56

one day they're going to have a blogger editor, you can pick which blogger you're going to write to and viola, you customize the space, set the atmosphere and specialize your text. Schizophenia gone high tech.

I wonder what they'll call MySpace ? Or LiveOffice, or GeoCities, or MSNSpace, or blogstream (my favorite) or Yahoo!360 or BellSouth Home ? Plus there more ...

So many rectangles waiting for us to fill with pictures, videos, sounds and words. But we only get a thin taste of the life, and only touch a mouse or keyboard. Ah, there's no scents! In the computer world, there's non-sense.

Yeah, that stretches the analogy a bit far, but for a simalcrum, it finally reveals it's own weakness.

Too often is there the random fluid dynamics that Einstein proclaimed that God would never use to play dice with the universe. But society only proves that "normality" is only captured in statistics.

I was really listening to "Gypsy" with Stevie Nicks, one of the first when I was dating my ex. I should have paid more attention. Stevie sings for herself, she sings for my ex. If I could ever figure out what the song means, because Stevie is only singing for the female, then I can truly approach a real woman. Opposites are not attractive!

I wish Sidney Freedman was here. He'd know what to do. And if you don't know Sidney, well, you're a few steps behind already. But he put his finger on it with his classic line of pulling down your pants and sliding on the ice. See it's my theory that our sixth sense is 360 degree balance and anytime we can't expose ourself to maintaining that balance we are truly at risk.

People are sooo off center here. Te way you can tell is the explanations. Explanations don't mean anything, reality does. Understanding why does. So anytime it isn't real, well, it's not worth your time, move on.

I vote for a new tool for our home page. It should count the messages you've sent, if they've been read and if they've been replied to. Same for friend requests, if they've been opened, denied or rejected. A good counter on the blogs wouldn't hurt either. Call it a responsibility meter. It would make sure we got proper attribution.

"Good night Gracie"

notes 5.20.2006 19:34

if there's one thing i've missed it's unconditional love. yeah, evryone talks about and around it, but very few actually understand how dependandant we are on it for our health.

our bodies are small eco-systems living on tolerances, tolerances of operation. of metabolic intake, exertion, impression expression creativity and nurturing,

not only must we maintain our own tolerances, but we must actively seek to telerate others, usually one particular other, a soulmate.

just as any fish caught seeks to thrash loose the hook, so we fight against the world, jumping in and out of the waters of reality as the line grows shorter and the tension higher. until at some point we're brought onboard, too weary from the struggle to do more than gasp.

Who was the fisherman that tested our natural instincts ? How will they handle us ? Who was the farmer that planted us at the mercy of the skies ?

Folks it's all nice and happy to believe you are in charge of yourselves, but don't be so foolish to think you can ever be more than who you are. That is unless you remember that someone else you bond with that helps you grow.

slideshow

notes 5.17.2006 08:52

it's truly scary how far medicine has advanced. taking 50mg less of one drug can take away confidence and make you meek and subtle. 50mg

you have to remember that a mirror is glass and silver, not the reflection; you must remember that there's glass in a window.

yesterday i have met one of the most compassionate people i could ever hope to meet and ten more that truly thought i wasn't worth talking to and two who were tenderly honest and one who was openly antagonistic.

look at 50mg of a drug and say if it's propensity, choice or under the influence.

it really only boils down to survival.

notes 5.14.2006 10:31

I've got some real hard choices ahead of me and i've prayed hard over them. yeah, i know, bringing in divine order is one sign of delusion, but what the hey.

as a side note it's a pity the greek orthodox church won't take me up on my offer to reconsecrate my father's chapel for an outdoor retreat. i miss communion and have no way to go 60+ miles or a priest close by who understands how to handle acute mental dysorder.

everyone has to have principles, else they are forever lost to unformed sensory phenomena. betcha didn't realize you actually see backwards and upside down now did you ? the brain procesess it back into order.

anyway, my point is that everyone has potential, you exist. you can't "know" or "control" until you are in the process of "acting". and hopefully you beg forgiveness on what you are about to do even though you have no idea if you are right or wrong.

all luck is is being within the bell curve of acceptible actions. lovable is being able to make your actions within limits that acquire affection. disordered is being unable to apply proportionate control over actions. wisdom is being able to apply decisions to paradoxical issues with insight beyond luck.

The Bible has two instances of death to be used as tests. First was Soloman who was going to split a baby. Second was Abraham who was going to sacrafice Issac. I've prayed for their wisdom and faith.

I was married for 26 years. I was moved out of the house after a long struggle with depression, job problems, migraines aggravated by an ethmoid cyst and placed on heavy duty pain and psych meds. My drivers license was revoked after some car and motorcycle crashes. My divorce was final in Jan 2004.

It started turning around as my meds were withdrawn and adjusted. repressed memories came flooding back, too much to bear. i went through the cosmic perspective vortex and i was alone. whole years of my memory were gone. doctors and nurses just tried to pigeonhole me back into the system. instead of fixing things for me they attempted to fix me. i do remember a few good ones though who heard and understood what was going on, at least intuitively. the rest, well... i was made responsible for things i shouldn't have and denied things i should have had. i was released too early for the meds to be stable, but they were at the wrong dose. there were tests suggesting an asymptomatic change in the left frontal lobe, but no follow up apointment to explain what it means. and i still have doctors, hospitals and insurance companies who can't or won't produce my medical records.

and that's the crux. coming back down on this side of reality, outside the fantasy world i look to the lawyers who had taken so much of my money while letting me get into this fix, but they can't or won't do anything. I'm left with little assets, a bad divorce, a daughter who i disgust and an 83 year old mother to look after.

and i'm better off than most. but i still have a long hard fight ahead. to regain friends and trust. this blog alone is enough to scare most people away. next is to decide if it was just safer to go back to being servile, immature, irresponsible and alone. Or do I, like Soloman and Abraham, get ready to end something in order to cure it ? (no that is neither homocidal or suicidal).

By that I mean my daughter used to lovingly sign her cards "munchkin". Now she calls me "Senior Butthead" if she calls at all. But I plan on keeping as close a watch on her as Eric Camden does. As far as my ex, she was there for me until she grew tired of it. I expected a tighter bonding. Hey, I grew up in an Italian background. So I want to either make the separation agreement stick or throw it out and start all over again.

my therapist says i have few friends. she's right. few people have my interests. but i do generally get along with people, in a george carlin sense. i'm not paranoid, just practical. who else would you go up to and say it takes 2.7 martians to screw in a light bulb ? it takes a really special person to appreciate those things without thinking you're nuts.

when someone says that what i said is because of my "sickness" do you think i'd want to talk with them anymore ?

so if you know a good pro-bono family law lawyer, let me know!

notes 5.14.2006 09:33

i tell you i graduated law school in 1982, not in the top of my class, not in the bottom either. try the bar once and miss by 40 lousy points. 60% of our class failed that year and a whole committee was formed to investigate. know what they said ? that year the applicants accepted were below par and would have failed anyway.

i never tried again. it was a big cigarette town so big corporate firms wanting stuffed shirts, which i wasn't.

but i always had a guardian angel talking to that part of me who could see and understand but not speak. i took a life insurance plan my pappy bought for me when i was born and converted it into an apple ][+. While i studied for the bar, i studied my computer. i learned my apple better than the law. and the computer took better care of me. it's still taking care of me.

i tried recently to appeal to the aba, asking how they could help a disabled law alumni get back into the legal field. well folks, they won't. unless you are taking courses, meaning you can pay, or you have passed the bar, and you have paid, or you can currently pay, forget it. and all the local legal aid societies will only handle domestic disputes.

so where is this pro bono work ? work, verb not noun. or equal opportunity ? it's easy to see a guardrail or braille, but designated council ?

There is still intolerance in america, most likely inflamed by the characters who insist on their right to be wrong. But it's even more grievous when it's mental intolerance because the symptoms are so subtle and the rejection so easy.

notes 5.13.2006 10:28

the last samaritan or one nation under god

man has rationality and creativity in life. it's supposed to be a balance. we decide or resolve issues. we reach a conclusion or suffer an insight.

sometimes though this process becomes imbalanced. one no longer trusts insight and defends reason due to a real or perceived injury.

imagine lassie who could "emote" to timmy what was wrong on the farm. Timmy understood and would believe enough in lassie to go fix it. but lassie wasn't very good at emoting about herself. and timmie had a hard time knowing if she was hurt and how to fix it.

lassie had only her insight, wild guesses, non-rational thoughts, on how to convey her meanings to timmy, the last good samaritan. confused and in pain she had to trust his wisdom. and would it have been fair to just clean the wound and have her hobble to her regular duties ?

what if lassie was born with the "hurt" ? if she could never know how to "be normal" ?

the founding fathers declared that all men were created equal, or as the bible says, born into sin. but they specifically left the option open to worship in the religion of our choice. I think this meant that they acknowledged a greater intelligence at work than pure reason and that in order to address the inequalities of life, the creative, intuitive spark must be given freedom to seek help. and in return get help.

The right to worship empowers the good samaritans. not just as a privilege but a duty.

sure a quadroplegic doesn't have to be depressed, but don't think you have the right to put him back in his wheelchair, pat him reassuringly and say "have a nice day!"

notes 5.13.2006 10:28

the last samaritan or one nation under god

man has rationality and creativity in life. it's supposed to be a balance. we decide or resolve issues. we reach a conclusion or suffer an insight.

sometimes though this process becomes imbalanced. one no longer trusts insight and defends reason due to a real or perceived injury.

imagine lassie who could "emote" to timmy what was wrong on the farm. Timmy understood and would believe enough in lassie to go fix it. but lassie wasn't very good at emoting about herself. and timmie had a hard time knowing if she was hurt and how to fix it.

lassie had only her insight, wild guesses, non-rational thoughts, on how to convey her meanings to timmy, the last good samaritan. confused and in pain she had to trust his wisdom. and would it have been fair to just clean the wound and have her hobble to her regular duties ?

what if lassie was born with the "hurt" ? if she could never know how to "be normal" ?

the founding fathers declared that all men were created equal, or as the bible says, born into sin. but they specifically left the option open to worship in the religion of our choice. I think this meant that they acknowledged a greater intelligence at work than pure reason and that in order to address the inequalities of life, the creative, intuitive spark must be given freedom to seek help. and in return get help.

The right to worship empowers the good samaritans. not just as a privilege but a duty.

sure a quadroplegic doesn't have to be depressed, but don't think you have the right to put him back in his wheelchair, pat him reassuringly and say "have a nice day!"

notes 5.12.2006 13:11

friends

these days there are acquaintences, friends, people you trust and true friends. Acquaintences are those you can generally predict their reaction to you. Friends are those who treat you better than you ought to be treated. People you trust are those whom you can predict. True frinds are those willing to give more than they get.

notes 5.12.2006 12:27

brain chemistry is a funny system. it's electro-organic. you measure brainwaves and magnectic imagery.you adjust with food and energy (light and sound). ironically you can observe severity by levels of ataxia.

through a period of years where i was undiagnosed. there were plenty of messages dating back from childhood. migraine headaches, severe depression, emotional trauma, suicidal thoughts, unexplained gastric disturbances. even the psychiatrists saw something was wrong, especially after intelligence testing, but no one paid any further attention. I had done well in school and was non-violent though eccentric, so they left well enough alone.

then after severe breaks when no one wanted to believe something was wrong, i was sent to a neurologist for severe headaches. he prescribed various pain killers to no effect as well as mood stabilizers. Another psychologist tried a clinical approach but failed to see the core symptoms. All the while i was in agony from the headaches and taking all sorts of pain pills with dental procedures. The next psychiatrist moved me to an anti-psychotic and i ended up wrecking 5 times and got my drivers license revoked.

During this time I had lost my best job due to it going bankrupt. My next was better, but the management was plotted until an overthrow, unfortunately led by someone more unstable than the last monarch. I went manic and tried to fight my way through the system alleging that they were firing me because i was unstable. Of course they won.

I ended up separated and living back at home with my parents. I saw my father die in front of me. I had an 83 year old mother for a responsibility and it was time to take back my life.

From early childhood I had few friends. I bonded tightly and loyally, maybe smotheringly. But most of my time was spent left alone to take care of myself. I was usually left to my own devices.

So I took myself off huge amount of medications and even had others added or adjusted. It left my psyche very raw and plunged me face to face with realities I never wanted to know again. From about 8th or 9th grade on I had just turned inward, shutting out everything else. I had great potentials for understanding and insight, but weak skills for explaining and reasoning. I unfortunately suppressed that insight all the while people clamoring for explanations I couldn't give.

So I protected myself the best way I knew how, I escaped into reality and signed myseelf in somewhere while they could watch as my meds adjusted. I'll never do that here again, let me tell you. I'm still fighting over my right to my medical records. There were days then that i felt the ways i was supposed to feel from the different scripts of my life. i could really see why my family acted the way they did. but now back on a stable range of medicine, those feelings don't come anymore. I wash the doctor had really listened and gotten my reality therapy then. i could probably be a more responsible mature adult now.

as it stands i still have an 83 year old mother to watch after, a separation agreement that i don't feel is valid, huge holes in my memory, a cyst in my left temporal lobe, a cyst around the pituitary gland, and some minor inconvieniences. Like do I still have any friends left.

notes 5.12.2006:12:09

which is love and which is respect

reassuring someone that they are okay, everything is alright

or

speaking for someone when they haven't the voice to speak for themselves

how do you feel when you fall off balance ? can you pick yourself up or do you need help ?

no one physiciologically challenged is able to cure themselves. sure, it is their condition and they are the only ones able to be held responsible for it. but to knowingly withhold aid is the sin of "am I my brother's keeper" to which the good samaritan had to respond.

i believe that's why there are soulmates. so that two people can go through life exchanging respect and love, trusting that each knows when the other needs which.

puzzle 5.01.2006 09:51

martin garner was as fantastic in print as numbers is on tv. he patiently explains a riddle about meeting two natives at a fork in the road. one represents the tribe of truth-tellers, the other liars. what one question do you ask and to whom.

it's taken me years, but i think i'd ask one if he was alive and if he couldn't unequivocally say yes, i'd tell (not ask) the other to take me down the correct fork.

quotes 5.01.2006 08:06

effective, appropriate, necessary, right

can these be the "flavors" from the qEEG described here ?

Neuroinformatics - Annual Meetings/04
... from the first-person point of view (1; for other imaging
techniques, see 4). To overcome these limitations new complementary
QEEG/MEG methodologies has been ...
www.nimh.nih.gov/neuroinformatics/fingelkurts04.cfm

NIMH - Neuroinformatics/Neuroscience Databases Home Page
... PROGRAM ANNOUNCEMENTS. The Human Brain Project (HBP) was
launched in 1993 to develop and support a new science: neuroinformatics.
Since ...
www.nimh.nih.gov/neuroinformatics/index.cfm

the simplest test is the ability to handle multiple emergent phenomena
while maintaining focus and balance.


"God doesn't roll dice with the universe, he loads them."

notes 04.30.2006 18:00

sorry for the technical difficulty, i've been out in d airplane and i hate flying!

the difference between right and necessary is the grace with which it's applied.

notes 4.24.2006 09:48

a != (a)

a + b != (a) + (b)

notes 4.23.2006 22:00

the 'it' girl

get over 'it', get with 'it', don't you get 'it' ?

'it' has to be effective pattern recognition. events are perceived in patterns. effective perception is rewarded in proportion. ineffective perception is discouraged in proportion.

disorders cloud both the ability to perceive patterns and the response-ability to reward. sharing is the gateway in which changes can be indentified, corrected and applied.

i say changes rather than disorders because sharing is a creative process rather than a chaotic process. by limiting ourselves to only recognizing previous patterns we are preserverating. by sharing we are inviting new ways to grow.

if we try to picture what can give us what we need and 'see' that only coming from us, or similar to us, then we are preserverating. if we simply look out the window and admit that it would be foolish to project our own solution then we have finally realized the promise of creative solutions.

so, never be a "don't get it" bigot. the only way to "get it" is to admit you have to share!

notes 4.23.2006 09:36

as with any illness the health of the controlling organ has to be determined. then if it is properly functioning.

cancer is a case of unhealthy organs. diabeties is a case of improperly functioning organs. maybe mood disorders are from improperly functioning organs.

using the diabeties analog, could brain disorders be tested by chemical samples and controlled by injections ?

that would open up a whole new realm of standards for testing! "i'm a little blue, what does the meter say ?"

everyone with a medical condition should have a medic alert bracelet with a confidential id, in case of emergencya hot line could be called for proper care. we all have history, and sure there will be debate over privacy, but would it be beneficient for it to be done well rather than scattered as now ?

author's note 4.22.2006 21:02

WHO IS MLINKS AND WHY WON'T HE RESPOND TO EMAIL ?

anyone reading an open novel and sharing it should be open for feedback. enuf said.

notes 4.22.2006

i've agonized over this for a long time to finally reach a solution. life's all about the grace in which we handle gateways. if we don't live up to our potential no one will ever know what might have happened.

before any act there must be an intent. before every intent must be a potential. that's what it's all about, existance is potential, to be. something, anything. and we are to be judged on our propensities and choices.

that is at some level we don't consciously choose how our bones grow or our hearts beat. we do choose how we support them by eating healthy. but before any of that happens there must be the cellular level potential for it to happen.

while we can't control that deeper level of growth, we are bound in such a tight biofeedback that no one else can be respons-able for its care. imagine one day waking up to find that you have given yourself a wonderful gift that no one else can give you. it feels so right, so well cared for (or not), so filled with memories and it fits just right. it's you! there's a movie all about this.

the temptation to become narcissistic or self-centered is overwhelming, but that would destroy the bandwidth (potential) of the gateway. instead excersize the focus. preserverating is an old sales trick: selling your shortcomings or more commonly known as 'acting out' or mania.

everone does this to some degree. it's the old scientific trick of trial and error, the basis for the western world. it is a learned response to cognative dissonance.

try parsing the word "incongruity." it's an oxymoron george carlin would be worthy of.

when faced with a situation never before encountered there are many responses.one creative one is learning how to learn. unfortunately there are two other prevalent alternatives:: abandonment and unhealthy chemical response.

learning how to learn is like flying without instruments. everything is in relation to everything else. it is not 'this tree' is 100' from 'that tree', it is 'this tree' is 100' from 'me'.

avoidance is not necessarily self-centered or oblivious. it's deciding without participating. like changing channels on the tv constantly.

chemical response is completely different. it's a snowball effect. because it's dealing with an unknown potential, once it gets started it's easy to get out of control. by some disorder from birth or nurture, the brain's chemicals become unbalanced producing a manic effect. telling a manic depressive to "get over it" is like telling a blind man to read or a lame man to run. until a balance is achived there's nothing they can do to change the situation.

still no good analogy ? imagine a talking parrot. does the parrot know english or does he know that the sounds he speaks evoke a response in you ? or is that the definition of a language ?

everyone has these tendencies to some degree. everyone displays inappropriate reactions. it's the degree of controlability of these reactions and how unstable the responses that should be observed.

key things to check are high tests for potential but low scores on implementation. migraines. 'mixed signals.'

what does someone with a chemical challenged life do ? they just have to remember that adopting a posture of humility or pride alters the exposure of the experience of life.

notes 4.21.2006 15:40

stumbleupon has a neat personality test. why not use handrails while they're there ?

INTJ - "Mastermind". Introverted intellectual with a preference for finding certainty. A builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models. 2.1% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers- Briggs/MBTI)

quotes 4.21.2006 10:19

seasonal affective disorder is really misnamed as "sad". it's real. living things need sunlight for energy. it powers basic needs and growth, lack of it causes depression. waking up to a cloudy day is working uphill.

"... since high school you were always known as a deep thinker .... " wonder if that's how i got lost in here

notes 4.21.2006 10:00

simple truths are just that, simple and true. the difference is in how they are appreciated, commonly called what 'slant' or 'spin' is taken. this appreciation causes care over unique items or views.

sometimes these 'uniquenesess' are clutter, as in 'cluttered desk, cluttered mind.' they are only hindrances as long as preserveration starves efficacy.

for example, we have a national debate over many issues centering on the right to be wrong. all of the prior reasons are being advanced as justification for future actions. both sides are applying their own pressure to the fulcrum/gateway.

yet there is no creative solution, no wider focus. 'insanity is applying the same steps to the same problem and expecting a different result.'

Niels Christian Hvidt -- The Miracle of the Holy Fire in Jerusalem

Niels Christian Hvidt -- The Miracle of the Holy Fire in Jerusalem

i think this ties in well to my recent note about attempting to chart phenomena. how you choose to appreciate it is your response-ability.

quote 4.20.2006 15:00

test for facts, they indicate intent, observe for preferences, they reveal character

notes 4.20.2006 14:53

about the only thing i can think of that pegs the irony scale higher than a mentally ill patient in charge of his own care is a blind person without a braille id card.

notes 4.20.2006 11:00

i'm trying to figure a way to chart singular events. at first i thought of two axis: x for time spent, y for energy exerted. then i thought of that little marvel of a compass ... one little lever pinned to a fulcrum, forever attracted north.

the secondary axises are extrapersonal events. the qualities are time (immediate to future), focus (unobserved, observed), fortune (beneficent, detrimental), predictability (controlled, uncontrolled), degree of personalization (immediate apprehension, distant), ease of remembering. others should be added.

the only icons of this are deep sea vessels and fighter aircraft.

notes 4.20.2006 10:25

serotonin addict, broke, out of work

looking back on the whole experience, it's been an excersize to free speech. the muscles are sore and trembling. without the help of some dear friends understanding it wouldn't have happened at all. now it's out here for evryone to see.

a few points ...

rejection or disgust triggers passive-aggression, constructive dialog develops.

the time of exposure (ratio/lever) increases preserverance, the focus of exposure (aperature/gateway) increases content.

in the end, only kindnes matters.

notes 4.19.2006 12:04

picture a manic depressive pretty much as jimi hendrix expressed in his classic. symbolized as a rapidly precessing gyroscope intent on spinning rapidly on itself until it meets an object in its path. there will always be an intense internal pressure to resolve issues, spin up until spin down, or clear the plate. they will always seek to involve (precess) themselves.

their anithesis is someone who wants to control them as an extension of themselves. that person will metaphorically touch the gyroscopic top axis, stopping it (temporarily). the precession builds and the controller sets a task. the depressive complies and rather than reward, the depressive is critiqued. this makes the depressive feel stupid for the attempt.

here's a classic case of dissonance:

the patient has a doctor's appointment. on the way downstairs the controller calls him, while talking to him, the transport comes. not hearing the transport come he contines to talk. the transport has base call upstairs. now there are three sources seeking attention. the patient faces a choice as to what to do.

quotes 4.19.2006 11:03

the very icon of time, a sundial, is the first mirror duplicated in a clock and everyone takes it for granted

he was digressed in age, added experience but not matured

passive aggression is asserting one's right to be wrong

entitle advocacy

free speech! promote healthy consideration not diatribes.

talk to, not at

think all of that, apply to this

there are no straight threads in a string

detours can be creative solutions

the first step to truth is knowing there's a difference

give someone the gift of caring that they will wake up tomorrow

make a straight line because it's a straight line