patient's notes 4.08.2006 11:13

my romantic ideals are gone. it was fun playing don quixote for these years but as hawkeye said "sidney, why did you have to do this to me ?" it all congealed when mom called me a tiger prowling a cage. it's a small one.

when i finish it, i'll share the notes to amy and cat.

i don't want the responsibility of this cage, at least not the wealth. i can and will make the decisions. everything else should just be held in trust for basic necessities like internet access to continue here and creative resources. the rest should go to amy if she'll appreciate it. but there's been reason to doubt she will.

seems that i've broken her trust. i think it's a misunderstanding. like me she has to be belived, especially that she's telling the truth. i do believe in her, whole-heartedly. i expand the focus of the truth to include more elements and maybe i didn't concentrate enough on her then, too busy on trying to make her see what i saw.

how does anyone handle that ? with two different images, her and mine at the same time ? is it more important to share or to put oneself in the other's shoes ?

all i can do now is try and stop that moment. to prevent final closure. to pry it open and explain enough that the issue can be resolved in light of this new information. then, understanding this, if amy still wants to back away, there's nothing to be done.

truth hurts. but it shouldn't be used as a weapon. it comes to all of us in its own way and we handle it in our own way. hopefully we handle it with kindness.